Jokes in English 2017


  • Imported Perfumes
  • Once Jeeto wAs riding in A fAncy hotel's elevAtor.
  • On the second floor...?? A young...?? beAutiful womAn gets into the elevAtor...?? smelling of expensive perfume. She smoothed down the skirt of her hot pink dress...?? looks down At Desi Jeeto...?? rAises her nose snootily...?? And ArrogAntly sAys: Giorgio ArmAni...?? $150 An ounce.
  • Just As she speAks...?? the elevAtor opens And A glAmorous former supermodel...?? Age 45 steps on. She's drAped in A mink stole And weArs tAll leAther boots from ItAly. She heArs whAt the younger womAn hAs sAid to Jeeto And flips her hAir And boAsts: ChAnel...?? $200 An ounce.
  • About two floors lAter...?? Jeeto hAs reAched her destinAtion And is About to get off the elevAtor. Before she leAves...?? she stops...?? turns Around...?? mAking eye-contAct with the two snotty women...?? And then she promptly bends over...?? fArts... And sAys: Mooli... 10 Rs per kg...
  • FUNNY  
  • First DAte ProposAl
  • PAppu wAlks into A bookstore. Not looking for Anything in pArticulAr. On his wAy to the bAck of the store...?? he spots something of interest. A book with A very interesting title: 'DAting for the New Millennium. WhAt Women WAnt.'
  • So he picks it up And opens it to A rAndom pAge. ChApter 1 - 'The First DAte'

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  • He glAnces the chApter over for A few minutes...?? And rushes out of the bookstore to cAll A girl he's wAnted to Ask out for quite A while.
  • When he gets home...?? picks up the phone And cAlls her. She Answers...?? "Hello?"
  • PAppu sAys...?? "Hi...?? Simmi? Listen...?? I wAs wondering if you would wAnt to go see A movie with me tonight?"
  • Siimis...?? "Sure...?? I don't see Anything wrong with thAt."
  • PAppu gets excited. He thought she'd sAy...?? 'No WAy....!!!' but she didn't. So...?? he decided to tAke it one step further.
  • PAppu Asks...?? "GreAt...?? well how About dinner before the movie?"
  • Simmi replies...?? "Sure...?? thAt would be greAt too....!!!"
  • "Fine...?? I'll pick you up About 9...?? you should hAve finished eAting by then....!!!"
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  • Three elderly women Are tAlking About their troubles.
  • "Sixty is the worst Age to be...??" sAid Ruth...?? the 60-yeAr-old...?? "You AlwAys feel like you hAve to pee. And most of the time nothing hAppens."
  • "Ah...?? thAt's nothing...??" sAid the 70-yeAr-old...?? MAxine. "When you're 70...?? you don't hAve A bowel movement Anymore. You tAke lAxAtives...?? eAt brAn...?? you sit on the toilet All dAy And nothing hAppens."
  • "ActuAlly...??" sAid GildA...?? the 80-yeAr-old...?? "Eighty is the worst Age of All."
  • "Do you hAve trouble peeing too?" Asked Ruth.
  • "No...?? I pee every morning At 6 A.m. I pee like A rAcehorse; no problem At All."
  • "Do you hAve trouble with your bowel movements?" MAxine questioned.
  • "No...?? I hAve one every morning At 6:30 A.m...??" GildA responded.
  • Puzzled with this...?? Ruth sAid...?? "Let's get this strAight. You pee every morning At 6 A.m. And poop every morning At 6:30 A.m. So whAt's so tough About being 80?"
  • "I don't wAke up until 7."
  • FUNNY  
  • Cheque AAyA Re....!!!
  • Ek BAdi Hi SundAr MAhilA AksAr Is PrivAte BAnk Mei AAyA KArti ThAi. Is BAnk Ke SAbhi MAle Employees Us MAhilA Ki KhoobsurAti Se BAde PrAbAhAvit The Aur Use Dekhne KA Koi MAukA HAAth Se JAAne NAhin Dete The.
  • Isliye SAbhi Ne MilkAr Ko CAshier Ko Bol RAkhA ThA Ki JAb Bhi Vo MAhilA AAye Toh Zor Se AwAAz LAgAnA: Cheque AAyA Re... Cheque.......!!!
  • JAb AisA 3-4 BAAr Ho GAyA Toh Us MAhilA Ko Bhi SAmAjh AA GAyA Ki Ye SAArA ChAkkAr KyA HAi... Aur Ho NA Ho Ye AwAAz Usi Ke LiyA LAgti HAi.
  • Ek Din JAise Hi Vo AAyi Toh CAshier Is BAAr Bhi Zor Se BolA: Cheque AAyA Re... Cheque....!!!
  • Ye Sunte Hi MAhilA Ne HAlkA SA MuskurAte Aur ShArmAAte Hue... ApnA MAngAlsutrA SAbko DikhAte Hue BAde Hi PyAAr Se Boli: Cheque Toh AAye Re... Lekin Account PAyee HAi....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • HINGLISH  
  • Be CAreful WhAt You Wish For
  • Two Irishmen...?? Adrift in A lifeboAt in the middle of the oceAn...?? spied A lAmp floAting neArby. They retrieved it...?? And...?? hoping AgAinst hope...?? rubbed it. Sure enough...?? A genie AppeAred.
  • "I will grAnt you one wish...??" sAid the genie.
  • "One? WhAt About three?"
  • "One or none; tAke it or leAve it....!!!"
  • Without thinking...?? PAt blurted out...?? "Turn the oceAn into Guinness....!!!"
  • The genie clApped his hAnds As he disAppeAred And the entire seA turned into Guinness. As the beer lApped gently AgAinst the hull...?? Mike looked disgusted.
  • "DAmmit...?? PAt... YA shouldA thought AheAd. Now we're going to hAve to pee in the dAmned boAt....!!!"
  • COMMUNITIES  
  • MedicAl SpeciAlists....!!!
  • A dentist...?? doing his first extrAction on A pAtient...?? wAs understAndAbly nervous. When he got the molAr out...?? his hAnd shook...?? he lost his grip on the instrument...?? And the tooth dropped down into the pAtient's throAt.
  • "Sorry...??" sAid the doctor. "You're outside my speciAlty now. You should see A lAryngologist....!!!."
  • By the time the unfortunAte victim got to the lAryngologist...?? the tooth hAd worked its wAy much further down.
  • The lAryngologist exAmined the mAn.
  • "Sorry...??" sAid the doctor...?? "You're outside my speciAlty now. You should see A GAstrologist....!!!"
  • The gAstrologist X-rAyed the pAtient.
  • "Sorry...??" sAid the doctor...??"the tooth hAs trAveled into your lower intestines. You should see An enterologist....!!!''
  • The enterologist took some X rAys.
  • "Sorry...?? the toothisn't there. It must hAve gone down fArther. You should see A proctologist....!!!"
  • OurpAtient is now on the proctologist's exAmining tAble...?? in the properelbow-knee position.
  • The· doctor hAs inserted A proctoscope And is looking through it.
  • "Good heAvens...?? mAn....!!! You've got A tooth up there....!!! You should see A dentist....!!!"
  • DedicAted to Super SpeciAlity HospitAls.
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  • Ek AAdmi Ek Aisi Robot CAr BAnAt HAi Jo BinA Driver Ke SAb KAAm KArti HAi.
  • Ek Din Us AAdmi Ki Wife Usse Kehti HAi: BAchchon Ki School Ki Chhutti KA Time Ho GAyA...?? Apni CAr Se Bolo BAccho Ko Le AAye.
  • AAdmi Ne CAr Ko BolA: Go And Get My Kids From School.
  • CAr Ko GAye KAAfi Time Ho GAyA ThA.
  • Ek GhAntA Ho GAyA Lekin CAr NAhi AAyi...?? Do GhAnte Ho GAye The Lekin CAr KA Abhi Bhi Koi AtA PAtA NAhi ThA.
  • AAkhir Mein AAdmi CAr Ko Dhundne Ke Liye GhAr Se BAhAr NiklA Hi ThA Ki CAr BAcchon Se Full LoAd HokAr AA RAhi Thi.
  • CAr Mein Colony Ke 4 BAcche...?? Boss Ke 2 BAcche Aur KAAmwAli KA Bhi 1 BAcchA ThA.
  • Uski Wife Gusse Se Boli: SAch SAch BAtAo KyA Ye TumhAre BAcchA HAin?
  • AAdmi Bhi Gusse Se BolA: Wo SAb To Thek HAi Lekin Pehle Tu Ye BAtA Ki CAr Mein HAmAre BAcche Kyun NAhi AAye?
  • HINGLISH  
  • BAntA Quickies
  • BAntA Apne Guruji KA PrAvAchAn Sunne GAyA.
  • Guruji Bole: Jo Jo SwArg JAAnA ChAhtA HAi Vo ApnA HAAth KhAdA KAre.
  • BAntA Ki GhArwAli Aur SAAs Ne Apne HAAth UpAr UthA Diye.
  • Guruji Ne BAntA Se PuchA: KyA Tum SwArg NAhin JAAnA ChAhte?
  • BAntA: Guruji...?? Yeh Dono ChAli JAyengi Toh YAhin PAr SwArg Ho JAyegA.
  • AAj BAntA Ko Ek LAdki KA MessAge AyA.
  • Girl: Hi......
  • BAntA: Hello
  • Girl: How Are You?
  • BAntA: Fine
  • Girl: Where Are You From?
  • BAntA: HoshiArpur
  • Girl: AAp KitnA PAde-Likhe Ho?
  • BAntA: TumhAre JitnA.
  • Girl: Mere Jite....!!!....!!!....!!! MAtlAb?
  • BAntA: MAin Bhi BAs Itni Angreji Bol KAr SeedhA Hindi Mein Shuru Ho JAtA Hun...
  • Girl: MAr JA KAminee... TerA Kcuh NAhin HogA....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • GhAr KA KAAm Time Se Aur Achche TArike Se NAhi Ho PAA RAhA ThA Toh BAntA Apni Biwi Ko BolA: KAAm Ke Liye Koi BAi Hi RAkh Lete HAi?
  • Preeto Gusse Se Boli: NAhi ChAhiye.
  • BAntA: Kyun?
  • Preeto: Achchi TArAh JAAnti Hun Mein Tumhe Aur TumhAri ThArki AAdAton Ko...?? MAin Bhi Toh BAi BAnkAr Hi AAyi Thi KAmine.
  • Ek DiwAAr PAr LikhA ThA: YAhAAn Kutte Susu KArte HAin.
  • BAntA Ko BAdi Zor Se Susu AAyA ThhA...?? Usne IdhAr UdhAr DekhA Ki Koi Bhi NAhi Dekh RAhA Toh WAhA Susu KAr DiyA.
  • Phir MuskurA KAr BolA: Ise Kehte HAi DimAAg...?? Susu MAine KiyA NAAm Kutte KA AAyA.
  • HINGLISH  
  • Log KyA KAhenge...
  • GhArwAle LAdki Ki MArzi Ke BinA LAdki Ki ShAAdi KAr RAhe The.
  • LAdki Apni MAA Se Kehti HAi: MAmmi...?? MAin Ye ShAAdi NAhi KArungi Aur AgAr Tumne Mujhse ZAbArdAsti Ki To MAin GhAr Se BhAAg JAungi Aur Apne Boyfriend Se MArriAge KAr Lungi.
  • MAA Rote Hue: Beti Ye KyA Keh RAhi HAi Tu...?? MAine Tere BAAp Se BhAAg Ke ShAAdi Ki...?? Teri BAdi BehAn Aur Teri BuA Ne Bhi BhAAg Ke ShAAdi Ki...?? TerA BhAi NAukrAni Ke SAAth BhAgA Aur Teri MAAsi Ek DukAndAAr Ke SAAth BhAAg GAyi...?? TerA ChAchA Apni PAdosAn Ke SAAth Aur Uski LAdki Apne Tutuion WAle TeAcher Ke SAAth BhAg GAyi.
  • Aur Toh Aur TerA BAAp Do BAAr PAdosAn Ke SAth BhAAg GAyA Aur Ab Tu Bhi BhAAg JAyegi Toh Iss GhAr Ki KyA IjjAt Reh JAyegi...?? Log KyA KAhenge... BetA HAmAri IzzAt KA Kuch Toh KhAyAl KAr.
  • HINGLISH  
  • PAinless Tooth RemovAl
  • A Sindhi went to A dentist for tooth extrAction And first enquired About cost.
  • Dentist sAid it's 1200 per extrAction. The Sindhi thought it wAs too much And Asked About cheAper methods.
  • The dentist sAid: Yes...?? it cAn be done without AnesthesiA And will cost only Rs. 300...?? but it would be very very pAinful.
  • Sindhi sAid: Ok Doctor...?? do it without AnesthesiA.
  • The dentist removed the tooth without AnesthesiA And during the entire procedure the Sindhi sAt quietly...?? even smiling A little.
  • The dentist wAs not only surprised but wAs quite impressed And sAid: I hAve never seen such A brAve pAtient like you. I don't even wAnt my fees...?? here...?? insteAd tAke this Rs. 500 As A rewArd...?? you've tAught me such A powerful lesson todAy About mAstering one's pAin And feelings ....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • In the evening he met his fellow dentists And told everyone About his AmAzing Sindhi pAtient. Out of All doctors...?? one doctor jumped up And shouted: ThAt rAscAl Sindhi first cAme to me... I gAve him AnesthesiA And Asked him to wAit outside for hAlf An hour ....!!! After hAlf An hour when I cAlled him he hAd left ....!!!....!!!....!!!....!!!
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  • PAppu goes up to his mom And sAys...?? "Mommy...?? I hAve A drinking problem. I need help."
  • Jeeto...?? of course...?? freAks out And yells...?? "How did this hAppen?....!!!"
  • She turns to her husbAnd And sAys...?? "This is All your fAult....!!! You're the one thAt comes home drunk And gives such A bAd exAmple to All of our children."
  • SAntA yells bAck...?? "Oh...?? I'm the one thAt does it? I do nothing but give to this fAmily....!!! Your the one thAt wAs drinking beer while breAst feeding when I told you not to....!!!"
  • Jeeto yells...?? "Get out....!!! You Are A horrible person And I never wAnt to see you AgAin....!!!"
  • He grAbs his collection of stuff And yells...?? "Fine....!!! I don't need you....!!!" And he wAlks out of the door.
  • PAppu is stAnding there crying...?? not knowing whAt to think of the situAtion other thAn he knows his dAd is gone.
  • Jeeto turns to him And sAys...?? "Don't cry PAppu...?? it will be fine... Now just tell me All About your drinking problem And we will get you some help."
  • PAppu sAys...?? "Well... the problem is...?? if SimAr drinks 675 ml of orAnge juice...?? Pinky drinks 545 ml...?? And MAnu drinks 860 ml...?? how much orAnge juice did they drink?"
  • SANTABANTA  6
  • My Wife's Lovers
  • One dAy A mAn cAme bAck eArly from his office. He wAs shocked to see his wife with Another guy. He told his wife to go out of the room.
  • Then he sAid to the guy: WhAt Are you doing here?
  • The guy replied: I love your wife & she loves me too.?
  • The mAn sAid: I know thAt my wife loves me And not you.
  • After A long conversAtion they decided: We'll lets hold our guns & fire At eAch other And pretend to be deAd. she will mourn for the guy she loves the most And the other person will get out of their lives.
  • The wife heArd the gunshots...?? she cAme into the room...?? shocked And surprised...?? stood stAring At both the deAd bodies.
  • Suddenly she stArted lAughing out loudly...?? rejoicing And shouted: Bob... Get out of thAt wArdrobe...?? these 2 idiots Are deAd now....!!!?
  • MARRIAGE  3
  • Bollywood Movies Directed by BewdA
  • If Bollywood Movies Were Directed In Pubs:

  • 1. SitA Aur MArgAritA

  • 2. CoronA PyAAr HAi

  • 3. SodA AkbAr

  • 4. RAb Ne PilA Di Thodi

  • 5. Rum Whiskey Se KAm NAhi

  • 6. Rum De BAsAnti

  • 7. Hum Tight Ho Chuke SAnAm

  • 8. Pissed Out At LokhAndwAlA

  • 9. Jo PilAye WAhi BArtender

  • 10. Rum MAAro Rum

  • 11. Beer ZAArA

  • 12. Bev-D

  • 13. Beer Belly

  • 14. Gin NA Milegi DubArA
  • HINGLISH  14
  • The Power Of PrAyer
  • A preAcher sAid...?? "Anyone with 'speciAl needs' who wAnts to be prAyed over...?? pleAse come forwArd to the front by the AltAr."
  • With thAt...?? Leroy got in line...?? And when it wAs his turn...?? the PreAcher Asked...?? "Leroy...?? whAt do you wAnt me to prAy About for you?"
  • Leroy replied...?? "PreAcher...?? I need you to prAy for help with my heAring."
  • The preAcher put one finger of one hAnd in Leroy's eAr...?? plAced his other hAnd on top of Leroy's heAd...?? And then prAyed And prAyed And prAyed.
  • He prAyed A "blue streAk" for Leroy...?? And the whole congregAtion joined in with greAt enthusiAsm.
  • After A few minutes...?? the preAcher removed his hAnds...?? stood bAck And Asked...?? "Leroy...?? how is your heAring now?"
  • Leroy Answered...?? "I don't know. It Ain't 'til next week."
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  • SAntA & Jeeto Ke Kisse
  • Jeeto Ne Apni KAAm WAAli BAAi Ko ApnA Ek PurAnA Suit De DiyA.
  • 2 Din BAAd KAAm WAAli Gusse Se: MAAlkin...?? Ye PAkdo ApnA Suit Mujhe NAhi ChAhiye.
  • Jeeto: KyA HuA Re Tujhe... Suit LekAr Toh BAde Shouk Se GAyi Thi...?? Ab KyA Ho GAyA?
  • KAAm WAAli: HonA KyA HAi MAAlkin JAb Mein Ye Suit PehAn Ke AAti Hun Toh SAhAb AAp Ho SAmAjh KAr Meri TArAf DhyAAn Bhi NAhi Dete...?? Aur... Aur.... Jeeto: Aur KyA???
  • KAAm WAAli: Aur Driver Peeche Se AAkAr LipAt JAAtA HAi.
  • SAntA SubhA Office Ke Liye TAyAAr Ho RAhA ThA.
  • SAntA Apni Wife...?? Jeeto Se BolA: Jeeto...?? Meri Blue WAli Shirt KAhAn HAi?
  • Jeeto: Oh Sorry Ji...?? Wo Toh AAj Mere Se JAl GAyi.
  • SAntA: ChAl Koi NA...?? Mere PAAs WAisi Ek Aur Bhi HAi...?? Wo Le AA.
  • Jeeto: PAtA HAi Ji...?? MAine Usmein Se KApdA KAAt Ke Pehle WAli Mein LAgA DiyA HAi.
  • SAntA Ke GhAr AAg LAgne PAr Uski PAtni Ki Kuch Body JAl GAyi.
  • SAntA Usko ShehAr Ke MAshoor Surgeon Ke PAAs Le GAyA.
  • SAntA: Doctor SAhAb...?? PlAstic Surgery KArvAne Mein KitnA KhArchA AAyegA?
  • Doctor: SAb MilA Ke LAgbhAg 10 LAkh.
  • SAntA Kuch Soch KAr BolA: Doctor SAhAb...?? Aur AgAr PlAstic Hum De Toh?
  • HINGLISH  30
  • Trump's First Briefing
  • Trump's first dAy At the OvAl Office. First briefing by the CIA...?? PentAgon...?? FBI.
  • Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediAtely.
  • CIA: We cAnnot do thAt...?? sir. We creAted them Along with Turkey...?? SAudi...?? QAtAr And others.
  • Trump: The DemocrAts creAted them.
  • CIA: We creAted ISIS...?? sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the nAturAl gAs lobby.
  • Trump: Stop funding PAkistAn. Let IndiA deAl with them.
  • CIA: We cAn't do thAt.
  • Trump: But you hAve to destroy the TAlibAn.
  • CIA: Sir...?? we cAn't do thAt. We creAted the TAlibAn to keep RussiA in check during the 80s. Now they Are keeping PAkistAn busy And AwAy from their nukes.
  • Trump: We hAve to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle EAst. Let us stArt with the SAudis.
  • PentAgon: Sir...?? we cAn't do thAt. We creAted those regimes becAuse we wAnted their oil. We cAn't hAve democrAcy there...?? otherwise their people will get thAt oil - And we cAnnot let their people own it.
  • Trump: Then...?? let us invAde IrAn.
  • PentAgon: We cAnnot do thAt either...?? sir.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • CIA: We Are tAlking to them...?? sir.
  • Trump: WhAt? Why?
  • CIA: We wAnt our steAlth drone bAck. If we AttAck them...?? RussiA will obliterAte us As they did to our buddy ISIS in SyriA. Besides we need IrAn to keep IsrAel in check.
  • Trump: Then let us invAde IrAq AgAin.
  • CIA: Sir...?? our friends (ISIS) Are AlreAdy occupying 1/3rd of IrAq.
  • Trump: Why not the whole of IrAq?
  • CIA: We need the Shi'ite gov't of IrAq to keep ISIS in check.
  • Trump: I Am bAnning Muslims from entering US.
  • FBI: We cAn't do thAt.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • FBI: Then our own populAtion will become feArless.
  • Trump: I Am deporting All illegAl immigrAnts to south of the border.
  • Border pAtrol: You cAn't do thAt...?? sir.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • Border pAtrol: If they're gone...?? who will build the wAll?
  • Trump: I Am bAnning H1Bs.
  • USCIS: You cAnnot do thAt.
  • Trump: Why?
  • Chief of stAff: If you do so we'll hAve to outsource White House operAtions to BAngAlore. Which is in IndiA.
  • Trump: WhAt the hell should I do???
  • CIA: Enjoy the White House...?? sir....!!! We will tAke cAre of the rest....!!!....!!!....!!!

  • God bless AmericA....!!!
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  7
  • ObAmA CAlls NAMo
  • ObAmA: Hey Modi... How Are you?
  • Modi: I'm good BArAck. How Are you doing?
  • ObAmA: I'm Absolutely fine. Where is KejriwAl...?? BTW?
  • Modi: Not sure...?? but probAbly in PunjAb or Delhi.
  • ObAmA: He is doing AmAzing work...?? I'm so inpressed....!!!
  • Modi: ....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • ObAmA: The wAy his MohAllA Clinic neAr MAhimA Furniture...?? Kriti NAgAr is working is fAbulous....!!! Also the wAy RAkesh TomAr...?? Vivek Goel & TAnyA ArorA got driving licences without bribe is AmAzing... it proves thAt corruption is reAlly coming down...
  • Modi: ....!!!....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • ObAmA: .... Due to Odd-Even the wAy pollution level cAme down At MunirikA...?? WArd No 6 cleArly shows his commitment towArds Delhi. And don't you think thAt the wAy he sent wAter tAnker in just 1 hour to LAxmi NAgAr...?? neAr Metro stAtion After wAter pipeline dAmAge wAs beyond imAginAtion in previous govt.?
  • Modi: hmmmmmm... But BArAck how do you know All this?
  • ObAmA: Oh MAn... It's simple... YesterdAy I wAs reAding his 4 pAge Advertisement in New York Times....!!!....!!!....!!!
  • ....And few minutes lAter CAnAdiAn PM Justin TrudeAu cAlls PM Modi.... And rest you know....
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  14
  • Love MArriAge....!!!
  • LAdkA Apni MAA Se JAAke PuchhtA HAi: MAA KyA Love MArriAge KArne Se GhAr WAle NArAAz Hote HAin?
  • MAA: Tu PAkkA Kisi ChudAil Ke ChAkkAr Mein PhAs GAyA HogA Aur Ye SAb Tujhe Usi DAAyAn Ne KAhA HogA. AAjkAl Ki LAdkiyAn Toh BAs LAdko Ko PhAsAne Mein LAgi Rehti HAin...?? JAhAn AchchA LAdkA DekhA NAhi Ki Shuru Ho JAAti HAin... BetA Tu Inse BAch Ke RehnA...?? Ye BAdi DhokhebAAz Hoti HAin Aur InkA To KhAAndAAn Bhi.....
  • LAdkA MAA Ko Beech Mein ToktA HAi Aur KehtA HAi: MAA AisA Kuchh NAhi HAi...?? Wo Toh PApA BAtA RAhe The Ki AAp Dono Ki Love MArriAge Hui Thi...


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    •  
    • One dAy A blonde felt like being A rebel...?? so she decided thAt she would drink And drive.
    • She found A cop cAr in the pArking lot of A donut shop...?? so she stArted to drive Around...?? circling the cop cAr.
    • After About 10 minutes of driving round And round she got fed up...?? so she pArked the cAr...?? got out And wAlked over to the cop cAr...?? looked At the cop And sAid...?? "Aren't you going to Arrest me?"
    • The cop Asked...?? "Why?"
    • She replied...?? "CAuse I wAs drinking And driving....!!!"
    • The cop looked At her in bewilderment And Answered...?? "We cAn't Arrest you if you're driving while drinking... wAter....!!!"
    • BLONDES  3
    • MAgnetic CompAss
    • GorkhA BAttAlion Troops Ki MAp ReAding ClAss.
    • JCO: JAwAnon... Ye Ek CompAss HAi... Ye HAmeshA North DikhAtA HAi.
    • Sepoy: SAAbji Ye HAmeshA North Hi Kyon DikhAtA HAi?...
    • Jco: North Me Ek BAhut BAdA MAgnet KA PAhAr HAi. Isiliye.
    • Sepoy: SAAbji...?? Ager Us Hum Us PAhAr Ke Niche PAhunchegA TAb?
    • Jco: TAb Bhi PAhAr Ki TArAf North Me Hi DikhAyegA.
    • Sepoy: SAAAbji...?? Hum PAhAr Ke Uper ChAd JAyegA TAb?
    • Jco: IskA JAwAb TeA BreAk Ke BAd...
    • After TeA BreAk
    • Sepoy: SAAbji........
    • Jco: AisA HAi...?? CO SAhAb Ne KAhA HAi Koi Bhi JAwAn PAhAr PAr NAhi ChAdegA.
    • Sepoy: Jo Hukum ShAAAAb....!!!....!!!
    • MILITARY  6
    • Huge Pill
    • BAntA went to the doctor with A swollen foot. After cAreful exAminAtion...?? the doctor gAve him A huge pill.

    • "I'll be right bAck with some wAter...??" the doctor sAid.
    • The doctor wAs gone quite A while And eventuAlly BAntA lost his pAtience. He hobbled to the sink...?? forced the huge pill down...?? slurped wAter from the sink until the pill cleAred his throAt...?? And then hobbled bAck onto the exAmining tAble.
    • In wAlks the doctor with A bucket of wArm wAter And Ssid...?? "OkAy...?? once the tAblet hAs dissolved...?? soAk your foot in it for At leAst A hAlf hour."
    • SANTABANTA  6
    • Lying Boyfriend
    • Do LAdkiyAn AApAs Mein BAAtein KAr RAhi Thi.
    • 1st Girl: AAj Ke BAAd Kisi Bhi LAdke PAr VishwAAs NAhi KArungi...?? SAb SAle Jhoothe...?? DhokhebAAz Aur KAmeene Hote HAin...
    • Her Friend: Kyun KyA HuA...?? Tere Boy Friend Ne Tujhe Kuch KAhA KyA?
    • 1st Girl Gusse Mein: NAAm MAt Le Us Jhuthe DokhebAAj KA...?? MAin Toh AAj Ke BAAd UskA Munh Bhi NAhi Dekhungi.
    • Friend Ne HAirAni Se PuchhA: Kyun? AisA Bhi KyA Ho GAyA...?? Tune Use Kisi Aur LAdki Ke SAAth PAkAd LiyA KyA?
    • 1st Girl: Arre NAhi... Uski Itni AukAAt KAhAn Ki Vo Dusri Girlfriend RAkhe...
    • Her Friend: Toh Phir HuA KyA ???
    • 1st Girl: YAAr Usne Mujhe Mere 2nd Boy Friend Ke SAAth Dekh LiyA...?? JAb Ki Usne Mujhe KAl KAhA ThA Ki Woh Out Of City JA RAhA HAi... KAminA KAhin KA.... Ek Number KA LiAr
    • Sher Ki SAwAri
    • PAppu Apne PApA SAntA Se Circus Dekhne Ke Liye Zidd KArtA HAi.
    • PAppu: PApA Circus Dekhne ChAlo NA.
    • SAntA: No Son...?? I Am Very Busy.
    • PAppu: PApA Usmein Ek LAdki Ne BinA KApdon Ke Sher Pe SAwAri Ki HAi.
    • SAntA: O YAAr PAppu... BAhut Ziddi Ho GAye Ho...?? Apni HAr BAAt Zidd KArke MAnvA Hi Lete Ho...?? ChAlo BAhut Din Ho GAye MAine Bhi Sher NAhi DekhA.
    • PAppu Aur SAntA Circus Dekhne ChAle JAAte HAin. SAntA Ne SAbse AAge WAli SeAt Ki Tickets Li. Lion Show Shuru HuA Aur KhAtAm Bhi Ho GAyA PAr BinA KApdon Ki LAdki NAhi AAyi.
    • SArA Circus Show KAhAtAm Hone Ke BAAd SAntA: Oye PAppu...?? Tune Toh KAhA ThA Ki Ek LAdki BinA KApdon Ke AAyegi?
    • PAppu: BinA KApdon Ke To Sher KAhA ThA PApA...?? LAdki NAhi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • SAntA...?? BAntA Aur PAppu
    • BAntA SuhAgrAt Pe Apni NAyi NAveli DulhAn Ke PAAs JAA Ke BAith GAy Aur BAde PyAAr Se SAmjhAne LAgA.
    • BAntA: Dekho...?? SAbse PyAAr Se RehnA...?? SAbki Respect KArnA...?? UnkA VishwAs Jeetne Ki Koshish KArnA...?? Unki CAre KArnA...?? HAmeshA SAch BolnA...
    • DulhAn: AchchA ji...?? Thek HAi...
    • BAntA: Choton Se HAmeshA PyAAr Se BAAt KArnA...?? SubAh JAldi UthA...?? ThodA PoojA PAAth KArnA...?? BAde-Bjurgon Ki SewA KArnA... Aur PAtA NAhin KyA KyA....
    • DulhAn BechAri Bore Ho RAhi Thi... Phir Vo FAtAfAt Uthi Aur Room KA DArwAzA Khol KAr ChillA KAr Boli: Arey SAb Log AndAr AA JAAo...?? YAhAAn SAtsAng Ho RAhA HAi...
    • SAntA Apne MotAApe Ki WAjAh Se TAng AA KAr Doctor Ke PAAs GAyA.
    • SAntA: Doctor SAhAb Is Mote Pet KA Kuch KAro.
    • Doctor: IskA To Sirf Ek Hi IlAAj HAi.
    • SAntA: Wo KyA Doctor SAhAb?
    • Doctor: Tum Roz Sirf Do Hi RotiyAn KhAyA KAro.
    • SAntA: Hmmmm...?? PAr Ye Do RotiyA KhAAne Se Pehle KhAni HAi YA BAAd Mein?
    • PAppu Ki Bike Ki TAkkAr Ek Scooty WAAli LAdki Se Ho GAyi Aur BechAri LAdki Gir GAyi
    • Bheed JAmA Ho GAyi Aur SAbne PAppu Ko KAAfi MAArA...?? PeetA...?? Aur Phir LAdki Aur Uski Scooty Ko UthAyA...
    • Ek AAdmi Ne PuchA: Ap Theek Ho...?? LAgi Toh NAhin?
    • LAdki: Arey NAhi...?? Ye Toh Roz KA KAAm HAi... Vo ActuAlly Mein Abhi Seekh RAhi Hun NA...
    • MAdAm Asked His Student...?? PAppu...?? To Get His FAther's SignAture On His Report CArd.
    • PAppu Bought His Report CArd Next DAy With A SignAture On It - @@@@@@@@@ MAdAm HAirAni Se: PAppu....!!!....!!!....!!! Yeh KAise SignAture HAin?
    • PAppu: Vo MAm...?? Mere DAddy Ki JAlebi Ki DukAAn HAi...?? UnkA HAAth Aise Hi ChAltA HAi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • BAlls And BrAins....!!!
    • A MArine GenerAl...?? An Army GenerAl And A NAvy AdmirAl were discussing who hAd the toughest men.
    • The Army GenerAl sAys...?? "Alright...?? I'll prove the Army hAs the toughest men in the country. PrivAte...?? get over here....!!!"

    • The privAte reports As ordered...?? "Yes sir?"
    • The GenerAl sAys...?? "See thAt mAn over there? Kill him....!!!"
    • Without hesitAting...?? the privAte kills the mAn.
    • The GenerAl sAys...?? "See? ThAt mAn hAs bAlls....!!!"
    • The MArine GenerAl sAys...?? "ThAt's nothing. PrivAte...?? get over here....!!!"
    • The MArine PrivAte reports...?? "Yes...?? sir?"
    • The MArine GenerAl sAys...?? "See thAt mAn over there? Kill him And then kill yourself."
    • Without blinking...?? the mArine privAte pulls out his M-16 And blows AwAy the guy...?? then turns the rifle on himself And unloAds severAl rounds.
    • The MArine GenerAl sAys...?? "See? Now thAt mAn hAs bAlls....!!!"
    • The AdmirAl sAys...?? "ThAt's nothing."
    • He cAlls to A seAmAn high up on A tower...?? "Hey...?? seAmAn...?? jump off thAt tower....!!!" The seAmAn Answers...?? "Excuse me...?? sir?"
    • The AdmirAl repeAts...?? "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER....!!!"
    • The seAmAn replies...?? "Fuck you...?? sir....!!!" The AdmirAl sAys...?? "See? ThAt mAn hAs bAlls And he's got brAins too....!!!"
    • MILITARY   
    • PAppu Ke SAAth DhokhA
    • PAppu Ki HArkAton Se TAng AA KAr SAntA Ne Usko Hostel Mein DAl DiyA.
    • Ek Din Hostel Ke Room Mein BAith Ke Vo Jor Jor Se Ro RAhA ThA.
    • Uske Friend Bunty Ne Us Se PuchA: KyA HuA YAAr...?? Ro Kyu RAhA HAi?
    • PAppu: YAAr Mere SAAth BAhut BAdA DhokhA HuA HAi...?? Aur Vo Bhi DAddy Ne KiyA.
    • Bunty: Kyun? KyA KiyA Unhone?
    • PAppu: YAAr PAison Ki JArurAt Thi...?? So Unko BolA Ki Books Ke Liye PAise Bhej Do.
    • Bunty: Toh?
    • PAppu: Toh KyA...?? Unhone Books Hi Bhej Di...


    • Honeymoon PrAnk
    • Bill hAd AlwAys been A prAnkster. As eAch of his friends were mArried...?? Bill mAde sure some type of prActicAl joke wAs plAyed upon them. Now reAdy to be mArried himself...?? he wAs dreAding the pAybAck he knew wAs coming.
    • Surprisingly...?? the ceremony went off without A hitch. No one stood up during the pAuse to offer A reAson 'why this couple should not be mArried'. His reception wAsn't disrupted by streAkers or smoke-bombs...?? And the cAr the couple wAs to tAke on their honeymoon wAs in perfect working order.
    • When the couple Arrived At their hotel And entered the room...?? Bill even checked for cornflAkes in the bed (A gAg he hAd AlwAys loved). Nothing...?? it seemed...?? wAs Amiss. SAtisfied thAt he hAd come AwAy unscAthed...?? the couple fell into bed.
    • Upon wAking...?? the couple wAs rAvenous so Bill cAlled down to room service And Asked...?? "I'd like to order breAkfAst for two."
    • At thAt moment...?? A soft voice from under the bed sAid...?? "MAke thAt five."
    • FUNNY   
    • PAppu FAil Ho GAyA....!!!
    • BAhut JyAdA ShAitAniyo Aur FAltu Ki BAkwAs KArne Ki VAjAh Se PAppu Ek BAr FAil Ho GAyA.
    • TeAcher Ne SAntA Ko ClAss Mein BulAyA Aur Boli.
    • TeAcher: TumhArA LAdkA BAdA Hi NAlAyAk Ho GAyA...?? JitnA FAltu Ki BAton Mein DimAAg LAgAtA HAi UtnA Study Pe LAgAnA ChAhiye.
    • SAntA: MAdAm Ji...?? KyA Ho GAyA Kyu ItnA GussA KAr RAhe Ho?
    • TeAcher: Ye Dekho Vo FAil HAi. English Mein 14...?? MAth Mein 17...?? Science Mein 18...?? SST Mein 11...?? TotAl 60.
    • SAntA Ne Ye SunA Aur Kuch PAl Sochne Ke BAd BolA.
    • SAntA: WAh MAdAm...?? TotAl Mein Toh ChhA GAyA ApnA PuttAr......?? Aur KAmAAl Ki BAAt Yeh HAi Ki Is Subject Ki Toh Tution Bhi NAhi RAkhi Thi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • SpeciAl PAAni Puri Menu
    • Ek PAAni Puri WAle KA Menu
    • PAAni Puri : 10 Rs.
    • SpeciAl PAAni Puri : 20 Rs.
    • ExtrA SpeciAl PAAni Puri : 30 Rs.
    • Double ExtrA SpeciAl PAAni Puri : 40 Rs.
    • Triple ExtrA SpeciAl PAAni Puri : 50 Rs.
    • Multi SpeciAl PAAni Puri : 60 Rs.
    • SpeciAl 'SundAy' PAAni Puri : 100 Rs.
    • MAine SochA Ki DAily AlAg AlAg PAAni Puri KhAungA Aur DekthA Hun Ki KyA Difference HAi. PAr Mujhe TAste Mein SAbhi Ek JAise LAge...?? Koi Difference NAhin LAgA.
    • MAine PuchA: BhAiyA...?? SAbhi PAAni Puri KA TAste Toh Ek JAisA Hi HAi Phir Ye AlAg AlAg Price Kyun HAi ?
    • PAAni Puri WAlA:
    • SAhAb...?? PAAni Puri MAtAlAb PAAni Puri Sirf 5 Rs.
    • SpeciAl PAAni Puri MAtAlAb - 'Sirf ChAmmAch DhoyA HuA.'
    • ExtrA SpeciAl PAAni Puri MAtAlAb - 'ChAmmAch Aur Dish Dono Hi Dhoye Hue.'
    • Double SpeciAl PAAni Puri MAtAlAb - 'PAAni Puri Dene Ke PAhele HAAth Bhi Dhoye Hue.'
    • ItnA BolkAr Wo PAAni Puri WAlA Chup Ho GyA...
    • PAr Mujse RAhA NAhi GAyA Meine Puch Hi LiyA" Aur Ye SundAy SpeciAl MAtAlAb??
    • PAAni Puri WAlA: Vo SAhAb...?? SundAy Ko Mein NAhAtA Hu...?? Isliye SundAy SpeciAl.
    • HINGLISH   
    • ThAt's Odd ....!!!
    • A mother And fAther nAmed their child "Odd". BecAuse of his unfortunAte nAme...?? poor Odd hAd the worst life you could imAgine.

    • In school...?? he wAs AlwAys picked on And hAd trouble mAking friends. In college he never fit in And struggled to gAin the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job...?? unAble to find steAdy work. He never found the love of his life And lived A lonely bAchelor.
    • And so one dAy Odd decided he couldn't go on Anymore And took his own life. In his suicide note he demAnded thAt his grAve be A blAnk heAdstone with no mention of his nAme...?? so thAt he could be completely And utterly forgotten.
    • And yet every time someone wAlks pAst his grAve...?? they see his wordless stone And go...?? "ThAt's odd..
    • New Words for 2016
    • Errorist : Someone who repeAtedly mAkes mistAkes.
    • Cellfish : Those who continue to tAlk on their cell phone...?? oblivious to the effect on others Around them. A bitch thAn the AverAge bitch. Dudevorce : When two mAle best friends officiAlly end their friendship over A lAme disAgreement...?? usuAlly concerning A girl. NonversAtion : A completely worthless conversAtion...?? wherein nothing is illuminAted...?? explAined or otherwise elAborAted upon. TypicAlly occurs At pArties...?? bArs or other events.
    • DestinesiA : When you get to where you were intending to go...?? you forget why you were going there in the first plAce. Not to be confused with being stoned.
    • UnkeyboArdinAted : LAcking physicAl or mentAl keyboArd coordinAtion; unAble to type without repeAtedly mAking mistAkes.
    • Cellfish : Those who continue to tAlk on their cell phone...?? oblivious to the effect on others Around them.
    • TextpectAtion : The AnticipAtion one feels when wAiting for A response to A text messAge.
    • CArcolepsy : The inAbility to stAy AwAke And Alert when in A cAr...?? or Any other thing thAt moves...?? such As trAins...?? plAnes...?? And buses.
    • HiberdAting : Someone who ignores All their other friends when they Are dAting A boyfriend/girlfriend.
    • Wexting: Texting while wAlking.
    • Selfiecide: The deAth of A person which occurs while tAking selfies.
    • DejA Poop : The feeling thAt the sAme shit keeps hAppening over And over to you....!!!
    • FUNNY  7
    • BAntA's First DAte
    • JAb BAntA College Mein ThA...?? Toh Uske BholepAn Ki WAjAh Se Ek LAdki Se Uski Dosti Ho GAyi.
    • Ek Din Dono KA ProgrAm BAnA Ki AAj DAte Pe ChAlte HAi Aur KAhi Dinner KArte HAi.
    • Toh Dono JA PAhunch JAAte HAin Ek BAdiyA Se Hotel Mein. Dono Mein BAAton KA DAur ChAltA RAhA...?? SAAth SAAth MAin Kuch MocktAils.... SnAcks... Soup... Bhi ChAlte RAhe... Aur Phir LAst Mein Dono Dinner KArnA Shuru KiyA.
    • Dinner KArte KArte AchAnAk BAntA BAdi MAsoomiyAt Se LAdki Ki TArAf Dekhne LAgtA HAi.
    • LAdki Puchti HAi: KyA HuA? Aise Kyun Dekh RAhe Ho?
    • BAntA...?? Dheere Se: MAine AApko Kuch KehnA HAi...?? AAp NArAz To NAhi Ho JAoge NA?
    • LAdki...?? ShArmA Ke: NAhi Ji...?? Bilkul NAhin. AAp Boliye.
    • BAntA: Bill AdhA AdhA KAr Lein...?? Koi Problem Toh NAhi AApko???
    • HINGLISH  36
    • I Don't UnderstAnd Women
    • I wAs going for A drink After work with some of my workmAtes. I telephoned the Missus And told her thAt I wAs working lAte.
    • I got home At 1AM stumbling All over the plAce And fell into bed fully clothed.
    • In the morning I wAs getting the cold shoulder from the Missus.
    • She sAid to me...?? "I don't mind thAt you go out for A few drinks with your mAtes...?? whAt I DO mind is thAt you lied to me....!!!....!!!....!!! We hAve to be honest in our relAtionship...?? no more lies...?? honesty is more importAnt thAn Anything else."
    • ThAt evening...?? we were going out for A meAl with some friends And she wAs trying on vArious outfits.
    • She Asked me...?? "Does my bum look fAt in this?"

    • I'll never understAnd women....!!!
    • MARRIAGE  7
    • Little Johnny And PerhAps
    • A school teAcher Asked her students to mAke A sentence contAining the expression "I presume".
    • One little girl held up her hAnd And sAid...?? "YesterdAy my mother hAnd wAshed the dinner dishes And I presumed thAt the dishwAsher wAs broken."
    • "Very good" sAid the teAcher.
    • Another one sAid...?? "This morning...?? my fAther drove the VolkswAgen out of the gArAge...?? I presume thAt the BMW wouldn't stArt."
    • "ThAt's excellent...??" sAys the teAcher.
    • Little Johnny At the bAck of the clAssroom gets up And sAys...?? "YesterdAy I sAw grAndpA leAve the house with A newspAper under his Arm And heAded for the bush...?? I presume thAt......."
    • The teAcher interrupted him And sAid...?? "I stopped you becAuse you hAve no ideA whAt your grAndfAther wAs going to do...?? so you cAn't presume Anything."
    • Johnny sAys...?? "PleAse TeAcher...?? let me finish my sentence."
    • The teAcher sAys...?? "Very well. Continue."
    • "As I wAs sAying...?? I sAw my grAndpA heAding for the bush with A newspAper under his Arm. I presume he wAs going for A crAp becAuse he cAn't reAd."
    • Job Interview
    • Interviewers Ask questions to PelA for his new job After VRS... His Answers:
    • Question: PleAse tell us About yourself?
    • Answer: Yourself is pronoun used when the subject And object of the verb Are you.
    • Question: Where do you see yourself in 5 yeArs?
    • Answer: Asking stupid questions to cAndidAtes.
    • Question: WhAt Are your expectAtios?
    • Answer: A SAlAry.
    • Question: WhAt chAllenges you fAced in your eArlier job?
    • Answer: StAying AwAke After lunch.
    • Question: Why do you wAnt to join our compAny?
    • Answer: Nobody else is tAking me. Your compAny is closer to my home.
    • Question: WhAt AttrActs you to our compAny?
    • Answer: The receptionist.
    • Question: Which big mistAke you did in the previous compAny?
    • Answer: Got cAught with MD's wife.
    • Question: Why you left previous job?
    • Answer: Previous compAny shifted office And didn't inform me the new Address.
    • Question: Are you willing to trAvel 20 dAys in A month?
    • Answer: Yes...?? just don't Ask me where I hAd gone...
    • FUNNY  21
    • MiscAlculAtion....!!!
    • BAntA: Doctor SAAb... PAit Mein BAhut DArd Ho RAhA HAi.... AAhhh...
    • Doctor: AchchA Ye BAtAo Ki Akhri BAAr KhAAnA KAb KhAyA ThA?
    • BAntA: KhAnA Toh Roz Hi...
    • Doctor: AchchA AchchA...?? (2 Ungli UthAthe Hue) Akhri BAAr KAb GAye The?
    • BAntA: Ji...?? JAAtA Toh Roz Hun Lekin Kuch HotA NAhin HAi...
    • Doctor: Theek HAi...?? SAmAjh GAyA.
    • Doctor AndAr Se Ek DAwAi Ki Bottle Aur Ek CAlculAtor Leke AAyA Aur BAntA Se PuchA: GhAr Kitni Dur HAi TumhAArA?
    • BAntA: Ji YAhAn Se 1 Km.
    • Doctor Ne CAlculAtor Pe Kuch HisAAb KiyA Phir Bottle Se ChAAr Spoon DAwAi NikAl KAr Ek KAtori Mein DAAl Di.
    • Doctor: PAidAl AAye Ho YA Kisi Vehicle Se?
    • BAntA: PAidAl.
    • Doctor: JAAte WAqt BhAAg Ke JAAnA.
    • Doctor Ne Phir Kuch CAlculAte KiyA Aur Thodi Si DAwAi KAtori Se NikAAl Li.
    • Doctor: AAp KA GhAr KAun Se Floor Pe HAi?
    • BAntA: 3Rd Floor Pe
    • Doctor Ne Phir CAlculAtor Pe Kuch HisAAb KiyA Aur Phir Thodi Si DAwAi KAtori Se NikAAl Li.
    • Doctor: Lift HAi YA Seedyion Se JAoge?
    • BAntA: Ji Seediyon Se JAungA.
    • Doctor Ne Is BAAr Bhi Kuch CAlculAtions KArne K BAAd KAtori Se Thodi Si DAwAi BAhAr NikAAl Li.
    • Doctor: GhAr Ke MAin DArwAAje Se Toilet Kitni Dur HAi?
    • BAntA: KAreeb 25 Feet.
    • Doctor Ne Phir Se Kuch HisAAb KArne Ke BAAd Thodi Si DAwAi KAtori Se BAhAr NikAAl Li.
    • Doctor: Ab Pehle Meri Fees De Do Aur Phir Yeh DAwAi PeekAr PhAtAphAt GhAr ChAle JAo...?? KAhin RuknA MAt Aur Phir Mujhe Phone KAr Ke BAtAnA.
    • BAntA Ne VAisA Hi KiyA.
    • TAkreebAn AAdhe GhAnte Ke BAAd BAnA KA Phone AAyA.
    • Doctor: HAAn BAntA Ji...?? Ho GAyA CleAr SAb... Ab DArd KAisA HAi... ?
    • BAntA...?? Ek Dum Dheeli AwAAz Mein: Doctor Ji...?? SAb SAAf Bhi Ho GAyA Aur Ab Bilkul Bhi DArd NAhin HAi Lekin......
    • Doctor: Lekin....!!!?....!!!... Lekin KyA???

    • BAntA: Ji AAp Ki DAwAi Toh BAhut Hi Achchi Thi Lekin CAlculAtor Theek KArwA LenA ApnA... Hum TAkreebAn 50 Metre Se HAAr GAye...
    • HINGLISH  21
    • Golf CheAter....!!!....!!!....!!!
    • Out on the golf course with his wife...?? the husbAnd sAys...?? "Twenty yeArs Ago I hAd A brief AffAir. It meAnt nothing. I hope you cAn forgive me."
    • His wife wAs hurt but sAid...?? "DeArest...?? those dAys Are long gone. WhAt we hAve now is fAr more vAluAble. I forgive you."
    • They embrAced And kissed.
    • On the seventeenth tee...?? the husbAnd wAs stArting his bAck swing when the wife blurted out...?? "I'm sorry dArling...?? I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me...?? but since we're being honest with eAch other...?? I hAve something to tell you Also. Fifty-two yeArs Ago I hAd A sex chAnge operAtion. I wAs A mAn before I met you. I hope you cAn forgive me."
    • The husbAnd...?? froze At the top of his bAck swing...?? then threw A fit....!!! He slAmmed the driver into the ground...?? kicked the bAll into the woods...?? stormed off the tee...?? pushed the golf cArt over on its side...?? broke the rest of his clubs one by one...?? then stArted on hers.
    • He screAmed And rAnted...?? "You liAr....!!! You cheAt....!!! You despicAble deceiver....!!! How could you? I trusted you with All my heArt And soul... And All these yeArs you've been plAying off the lAdies' tees....!!!"
    • GOLF  6
    • Drinkers Are PrActicAl People
    • A LAdy wAs conducting her Anti drinking cAmpAign outside A bAr.
    • A mAn cAme out of the BAr exuding Alcohol fumes And the LAdy sAid...?? "Reflect ....!!!....!!!....!!! If you Arrive At the GAtes of HeAven with your breAth smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
    • "My good womAn" pAssionAtely holding her hAnd...?? sAid the mAn...?? "When I go to HeAven I expect to leAve my breAth behind."
    • MorAl: Drinkers Are prActicAl people. Kindly Support them
    • When Shit HAppens
    • Sometimes when shit hAppens...?? you wAnt to be Able to ArticulAte the experience more thAn just you've...?? tAken A shit. Here Are some shit definitions to help you explAin the situAtion better to your friends And fAmily...
    • Ghost Shit
    • You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet pAper...?? but no shit in the bowl.
    • Teflon CoAted Shit
    • Comes out so slick...?? cleAn And eAsy thAt you don't feel it. No trAces of shit on the toilet pAper...?? you hAve to look in the bowl to be sure you did it....!!!
    • Gooey Shit
    • This hAs the consistency of hot tAr. You wipe your Ass 12 times And it still doesn't come cleAn. You end up putting toilet pAper in your underweAr so you don't stAin it. This shit leAves permAnent skid mArks in the toilet.
    • Second Thought Shit
    • You're All done wiping your Ass And you're About to stAnd up when you reAlize it.....you've got some more.
    • Pop A Vein in Your ForeheAd Shit
    • This kind is the kind of shit thAt killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're All sweAty...?? trembling And purple from strAining so hArd.
    • BAli Belly Shit
    • You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
    • Right Now Shit
    • You better be within 10 seconds of A toilet. UsuAlly it hAs its heAd out before you get your pAnts down.
    • King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
    • This shit is so big thAt you know it won't go down the toilet unless you breAk it into smAller chunks. A coAt hAnger works well. This kind of shit usuAlly hAppens At someone else's house.
    • Wet Cheeks Shit
    • This shit hits the wAter sidewAys And mAkes A BIG splAsh thAt gets your Ass wet.
    • Wish Shit
    • You sit there All crAmped up And fArt A few times...?? but no shit....!!!
    • Cement Block or Oh God Shit
    • You wish you'd gotten A spinAl block before you shit.

    • SnAke Shit
    • This shit is fAirly soft And About As big Around As your thumb And At leAst three feet long.
    • Cork Shit (Also Known As FloAter Shit)
    • Even After the third flush...?? it's still floAting in there. My god....!!! How do I get rid of it? This shit usuAlly hAppens At someone else's house.
    • MexicAn Food Shit (Also cAlled ScreAmers)
    • You'll know it's Alright to eAt AgAin when your Asshole stops burning.
    • Beer Drunk Shit
    • This hAppens the dAy After the night before. NormAlly your shit doesn't smell too bAd...?? but this shit is BAD. UsuAlly there's somebody stAnding outside to use the bAthroom. This kind of shit Also usuAlly hAppens At someone else's house.
    • The Frightened Turtle
    • The kind of shit thAt just pokes its heAd out then quickly goes bAck in.
    • The Bungee Shit
    • The kind of shit thAt just hAngs off your Ass before it fAlls into the wAter.
    • The Ring of Fire Shit
    • The kind of shit where you eAt reAlly spicy food And your Asshole feels like the inside of A cigArette lighter.
    • The Crippler
    • The kind of shit where you hAve to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the wAist down.
    • The Big Bobber
    • The kind of shit thAt no mAtter how mAny times you flush it AlwAys floAts bAck to the surfAce.
    • The Shitty Shitty BAng BAng
    • The kind of shit thAt hits you when you're trApped in your cAr in A trAffic jAm.
    • The Incredible Hulk Shit
    • The king of shit thAt sits in the toilet overnight And mysteriously expAnds to twice it's normAl size.
    • The JAck the Ripper Shit
    • The kind of shit thAt yAnks out the hAir of your Ass As it pushes its wAy out.
    • The PArty Pooper
    • The giAnt shit you tAke At A pArty. And when you flush the toilet...?? you wAtch in horror As the wAter stArts to rise.
    • The Toxic GAs Shit
    • The kind of shit thAt mAkes you pAss out And fAll of the toilet before you finish...?? And then you wAke up in some strAnge South AmericAn town.
    • Dirty Bowl Shit
    • The kind of shit thAt comes out in A million pieces A second...?? reminiscent of An AvAlAnche - but with rocket propulsion...?? And splAtters All over the toilet bowl.
    • The Windy City Shit
    • When you sit down...?? And fArt for so long And hArd thAt you no longer need to tAke A shit.
    • Oh Shit....!!! Shit
    • You shit so much And wipe your Ass so furiously you run out of toilet pAper And you sAy OH SHIT....!!!
    • The Never Ending Shit
    • It's the shit thAt keeps running out of your Ass like peA...?? And just when you stArt wiping your Ass your stomAch gArgles And splAsh...?? more shit runs out. This AlwAys hAppens After eAting At Kentucky Fried Chicken.
    • Ouch ThAt Hurt Shit
    • The type of shit thAt leAves you feeling like you just hoped onto A bicycle without A seAt. SensAtion usuAlly lAsts hours.
    • FUNNY  5
    • Stop ThAt....!!!
    • A very AttrActive young lAdy wAs sitting in A fine restAurAnt one night.
    • WAiting for her dAte As she wAs...?? she wAnted to mAke sure everything wAs perfect.
    • So...?? As she bends down in her chAir to get the mirror from her purse...?? she AccidentAlly fArts quite loudly just As the wAiter wAlks up.
    • Sitting up strAight now...?? embArrAssed And red fAced...?? knowing everyone in the plAce heArd her...?? turns to the wAiter And demAnds...?? "Stop ThAt....!!!"
    • The wAiter looks At her dryly And sAys "Sure lAdy...?? which wAy wAs it heAded?"
    • FUNNY  5
    • RAjinikAnth vs KAttAppA
    • Ek BAAr RAjinikAnth Aur KAttAppA Ki MulAqAt Ho JAAti HAi.

    • RAjinikAnth: Tumhe PAtA HAi Mere GAon Mein Light NAhin Thi...?? MAin AgArbAtti JAlAAkAr Uski Roshni Mein PAdtA ThA.
    • KAttAppA: Mere GAAon Mein Toh Light Bhin NAhin Thi Aur HAmAAre PAAs AgArbAtti Ke PAise Bhi NAhin The...?? Phir Bhi MAi PAdhA.
    • RAjinikAnth: KAise?
    • KAttAppA: MerA Ek Dost ThA PrAkAAsh...?? Usko Apne PAAs BithA LetA ThA. Aur JAb Bhi BAArish Hoti Thi Aur PrAkAAsh Bheeg JAAtA ThA TAb Bhi MAin PAdh LetA ThA.
    • RAjinikAnth: KAise?
    • KAttAppA: GAon Mein Jyoti NAAAm Ki LAdki Bhi Toh Thi...?? Uske PAAs BAith KAr.
    • RAjinikAnth Benhosh.
    • HINGLISH  28
    • Jesus on the Cross...
    • After A brutAl And tough dAy cArrying the cross up GolgAthA...?? the RomAns nAiled Jesus with no remorse to the heAvy wooden structure. GolgAthA wAs A grAnd hill...?? And As the cross wAs rAised Jesus looked down upon All those gAthered before him.
    • He sAw his wonderful mother MAry. He sAw gods children. He sAw JerusAlem in All its glory. But his eyes finAlly fell on his good friend And disciple Peter.
    • "Peteeer.......??" he cAlled through pAinful breAths...?? "Peeteerr...."
    • Peter...?? the must loyAl of All Jesus's follows...?? jumped in shock. He begAn to run towArd Jesus.
    • "Yes my lord?" Peter replied.
    • But As soon As he begAn to get close the RomAns roAred...?? "NO....!!!" And viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs.
    • Peter...?? wAllowing in pAin...?? heArd his messiAh cAll him AgAin...?? "Peeetteeer... peeter...??" growing more fAint with eAch cAll.
    • So once AgAin Peter tried...?? crAwling with his Arms... pulling As hArd As he could.
    • Suddenly...?? more shArp RomAn swords fell upon him. They took his Arms this time...?? leAving him limbless.
    • But As he lAy there...?? fAce down in the mud...?? Peter heArd the Son of God once more...?? "Peeteer"
    • So Peter rolled this time with All his might...?? reAching the bottom of the cross...?? "Yes my lord...?? Yes...?? Yes...??" he screAmed with AnticipAtion...?? "how cAn I serve you?"
    • And in his fAding breAths...?? whimpering And quiet...?? Jesus replied...?? "Peeter... Peter... I... I cAn see your house from here....!!!"
    • CheAper Solutions
    • A mAn wAlks into A phArmAcy And wAnders up And down the Aisles.
    • The sAles girl notices him And Asks him if she cAn help him. He Answers thAt he is looking for A box of tAmpons for his wife. She directs him down the correct Aisle.
    • A few minutes lAter...?? he deposits A huge bAg of cotton bAlls And A bAll of string on the counter.
    • She sAys...?? confused...?? "Sir...?? I thought you were looking for some tAmpons for your wife?
    • He Answers...?? "You see...?? it's like this. YesterdAy...?? I sent my wife to the store to get me A cArton of cigArettes...?? And she cAme bAck with A tin of tobAcco And some rolling pApers; cAuse it's sooooooooooo much cheAper.
    • "So...?? I figure if I hAve to roll my own... so does she."
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • Wrong Side....!!!
    • I went into the confessionAl box After yeArs of being AwAy from the Church.
    • Inside I found A fully equipped bAr with Guinness on tAp. On one wAll...?? there's A row of decAnters with fine Irish whiskey And WAterford crystAl glAsses. On the other wAll is A dAzzling ArrAy of the finest cigArs And chocolAtes.
    • Then the priest comes in. I sAy to him...?? "FAther...?? forgive me...?? for it's been A very long time since I've been to confession...?? but I must first Admit thAt the confessionAl box is much more inviting thAn it used to be."
    • He replies...?? "Get out...?? you idiot. You're on my side....!!!"
    • RELIGION  4
    • Apple vs Windows
    • BeAt this one......!!!....!!! Notice on entry gAte of A Apple Store in NY:
    • "Don't ever fArt here;
    • the smell will stAy for Ages.
    • We don't hAve Windows....!!!"
    • And Tit for TAt from Microsoft in their premises...
    • "Anyone visiting us here cAn be free to use Windows in cAse you need to releAse stAle gAs from yesterdAy's hAlf eAten Apple. We hAve been providing open window systems to the world since Ages."
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  7
    • SAsurAl HAi YA GhAr ?
    • Ek LAdki Ki NAyi NAyi ShAAdi Hui...
    • BAhu KA MAnn UdAAs NA Ho Issliye SAb GhArwAAlon Ne SochA UskA KhAAs KhAyAl RAkhenge...

    • SubAh-SubAh Hi SAsur Bole: AAj Se Tum Meri BAhu NAhi Beti Ho...
    • ShAAm Ko SAAs Bhi Boli: AAj Se Tum Meri BAhu NAhi Beti Ho...
    • Phir NAnAd Boli: AAj Se AAp Meri BAdi BAhen Ho...
    • ShAAm Ko JAb PAti LAutA Toh BAhu Boli: MAA Ji... BAbu Ji.... BhAiyAA AA GAye... Didi... BhAiyAA AA GAye...
    • Clerk KA KAmAAl
    • ThekedAr Se Setting Ho JAAne Ke BAAd Clerk Ne SAhAb Ko BAtA KAr File RAkhi.
    • SAhAb Ne LikhA "Approved"
    • Do Din BAAd ThekedAr Apne VAAde Se MukAr GAyA.
    • Clerk Ne SAhAb Ko BAtAyA.
    • SAhAb Bole Ab KyA KArein?
    • Clerk Ke DimAAg KA KAmAAl Dekhiye...
    • Clerk Ne KAhA - Sir "Approved" Ke Pehle "Not" Likh Deejiye.
    • Ab ThekedAr PAreshAn. Phir Se Setting Huyi. Clerk Ne Phir Se SAhAb Ke SAAmne File LekAr PAhunchA.
    • SAhAb JhAllAye Aur Clerk Se PuchA: Ab KyA KArein?
    • Phir Clerk Ke DimAAg KA KAmAAl Dekhiye...
    • Clerk Ne KAhA Sir: "Not" Mein KewAl "E" LAgA Dein MeAns "Note Approved"
    • Ab AAp Hi BAtAiye Ki Desh KAun ChAlA RAhA HAi.
    • HINGLISH  25
    • One EAred AdmirAl
    • A young NAvAl Officer wAs in A terrible cAr Accident...?? but due to the heroics of the hospitAl stAff the only permAnent injury wAs the loss of one eAr. Since he wAsn't physicAlly impAired he remAined in the NAvy And eventuAlly becAme An AdmirAl. During his cAreer he wAs AlwAys sensitive About his AppeArAnce.
    • One dAy the AdmirAl wAs interviewing two NAvy MAster Chiefs And A MArine SergeAnt MAjor for his personAl stAff. The first MAster Chief wAs A SurfAce NAvy type And it wAs A greAt interview.
    • At the end of the interview the AdmirAl Asked him...?? "Do you notice Anything different About me?"
    • The MAster Chief Answered...?? "I couldn't help but notice you Are missing your stArboArd eAr...?? so I don't know whether this impActs your heAring on thAt side."
    • The AdmirAl got very Angry At this lAck of tAct And threw him out of his office.
    • The next cAndidAte...?? An AviAtion MAster Chief...?? when Asked this sAme question...?? Answered...?? "Well yes...?? you seem to be short one eAr."
    • The AdmirAl threw him out Also.
    • The third interview wAs with the MArine SergeAnt MAjor. He wAs ArticulAte...?? extremely shArp...?? And seemed to know more thAn the two MAster Chiefs put together. The AdmirAl went AheAd with the sAme question.
    • "Do you notice Anything different About me?"
    • To his surprise the SergeAnt MAjor sAid...?? "Yes sir you weAr contAct lenses."
    • The AdmirAl...?? impressed thought to himself...?? whAt An incredibly tActful MArine. "And how do you know thAt?" the AdmirAl Asked.
    • The SergeAnt MAjor replied...?? "Well sir...?? it's pretty hArd to weAr glAsses with only one fuckin eAr."
    • MILITARY  4
    • LAws of Life
    • 1. LAw of the TheAtre:
    • At Any event...?? the people whose seAts Are furthest from the Aisle Arrive lAst.
    • 2. LAw of Coffee:
    • As soon As you sit down to A cup of hot coffee...?? your boss will Ask you to do something which will lAst until the coffee is cold.
    • 3. Murphy's LAw of Lockers:
    • If there Are only two people in A locker room...?? they will hAve AdjAcent lockers.
    • 4. LAw of Rugs/CArpets:
    • The chAnces of An open-fAced jelly sAndwich lAnding fAce down on A floor covering Are directly correlAted to the newness And cost of the cArpet/rug.
    • 5. LAw of LocAtion:
    • No mAtter where you go...?? there you Are.
    • 6. LAw of LogicAl Argument:
    • Anything is possible if you don't know whAt you Are tAlking About.
    • 7. Brown's LAw:
    • If the shoe fits...?? it's ugly.
    • 8. Oliver's LAw:
    • A closed mouth gAthers no feet.
    • 9. Wilson's LAw:
    • As soon As you find A product thAt you reAlly like...?? they will stop mAking it. (this one is true every time....!!!)
    • 10. Doctors' LAw:
    • If you don't feel well...?? mAke An Appointment to go to the doctor...?? by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't mAke An Appointment And you'll stAy sick.
    • FUNNY  7
    • The Best Dressed Mom
    • Jennifer's wedding dAy wAs fAst ApproAching. Nothing could dAmpen her excitement...?? not even her pArents' nAsty divorce.
    • Her mother hAd found the PERFECT dress to weAr And would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever....!!!
    • A week lAter...?? Jennifer wAs horrified to leArn thAt her fAther's new young wife hAd bought the exAct sAme dress As her mother....!!! Jennifer Asked her fAther's new young wife to exchAnge it...?? but she refused.
    • "Absolutely not...?? I look like A million bucks in this dress...?? And I'm weAring it...??" she replied.
    • Jennifer told her mother who grAciously sAid...?? "Never mind sweetheArt. I'll get Another dress. After All...?? it's your speciAl dAy."
    • A few dAys lAter...?? they went shopping And did find Another gorgeous dress.
    • When they stopped for lunch...?? Jennifer Asked her mother...?? "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You reAlly don't hAve Another occAsion where you could weAr it."
    • Her mother just smiled And replied...?? "Of course I do...?? deAr. I'm weAring it to the reheArsAl dinner the night before the wedding."


    • FArt PersonAlities
    • PersonAlity According to how you fArt.
    • The intelligent person: One who cAn determine from the smell of his neighbour's fArt precisely the lAtest food items consumed.
    • The sAdistic person: One who fArts in bed And then fluffs the cover over his bed-mAte.
    • The strAtegic person: One who conceAls his fArts with loud coughing.
    • The AntisociAl person: One who excuses himself And fArts in complete privAcy.
    • The thrifty person: One who AlwAys hAs severAl fArts in his reserve.
    • The foolish person: One who suppresses his fArts for hours And hours.
    • The dishonest person: One who fArts And blAmes the dog.
    • The nervous person: One who stops in the middle of A fArt.
    • The scientific person: One who fArts frequently but is truly concerned for the environment.
    • The unfortunAte person: One who tries hArd to fArt but shits insteAd.
    • The shy person: One who releAses silent fArts then blushes.
    • The AmiAble person: One who loves the smell of other people's fArts.
    • The proud person: One who thinks his fArts Are exceptionAlly fine.
    • The vAin person: One who loves the smell of his own fArts.
    • FUNNY  5
    • A Good Looking Horse....!!!
    • A city slicker wAs driving through the country when he spotted A horse stAnding in A field. He wAs quite tAken with the AnimAl And so pulled over to Ask the fArmer if it wAs for sAle.
    • "AfrAid not...??" sAid the fArmer.
    • "I'll give you A thousAnd bucks....!!!" sAid the city fellA.
    • "I cAn't sell you thAt horse. He don't look too good...??" replied the fArmer.
    • "I know horses...?? And he looks fine. I'll give you two thousAnd....!!!" "Well...?? All right...?? if you wAnt him so bAd."
    • The next dAy...?? the mAn returned the horse...?? screAming thAt he hAd been gypped. "You sold me A blind horse....!!!"
    • "Well...??" sAid the fArmer...?? "I told you he didn't look too good."
    • FUNNY  5
    • With Age Comes Wisdom
    • An 86 yeAr-old mAn is out fishing. He wAs sitting in his boAt when he heArd A voice sAy...?? "Pick me up....!!!"
    • He looked Around And did not see Any one. He thought he wAs dreAming until he heArd the voice AgAin.
    • "Pick me up." The old mAn looked in the wAter And there...?? floAting on A lilly pAd wAs A frog.
    • The mAn sAid...?? "Are you tAlking to me?"
    • The frog replied...?? "Yes...?? I'm tAlking to you. Pick me up. Then...?? kiss me And I'll turn into the most beAutiful womAn you hAve ever seen. I'll mAke sure thAt All your friends Are envious And jeAlous becAuse you will hAve me As your bride."
    • The mAn looked At the frog for A minute in confusion...?? reAched over...?? picked it up cArefully...?? And plAced it in his front pocket.
    • The frog screAmed...?? "WhAt...?? Are you nuts? Didn't you heAr whAt I sAid?? I sAid kiss me And I will be your beAutiful bride....!!!"
    • He opened his pocket...?? looked At the frog And sAid...?? "NAh...?? At my Age I'd rAther hAve A tAlking frog."
    • FUNNY  7
    • GottA Love this Cop....!!!
    • A motorcycle police officer stops A driver for shooting through A red light. The driver is A reAl jerk...?? steps out of his cAr And comes striding towArd the officer...?? demAnding to know why he is being hArAssed by the GestApo....!!!
    • So the officer cAlmly tells him of the red light violAtion. The motorist instAntly goes on A tirAde...?? questioning the officer's Ancestry...?? sexuAl orientAtion...?? etc....?? in rAther explicit offensive terms.
    • The tirAde goes on without the officer sAying Anything.
    • When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts An "AH" in the lower right corner of the nArrAtive portion of the ticket. He then hAnds it to The 'violAtor' for his signAture. The guy signs the ticket Angrily...?? And when presented with his copy points to the "AH" And demAnds to know whAt it stAnds for.
    • The officer sAys...?? "ThAt's so when we go to court...?? I'll remember thAt you're An Asshole....!!!"
    • Two months lAter they're in court. The 'violAtor' hAs A bAd driving record with A high number of points And is in dAnger of losing his license...?? so he hired A lAwyer to represent him.
    • On the stAnd the officer testifies to seeing the mAn run through the red light.
    • Under cross exAminAtion the defense Attorney Asks...?? "Officer is this A reAsonAble fAcsimile of the ticket thAt you issued to my client?"
    • Officer responds...?? "Yes...?? sir...?? thAt is the defendAnt's copy...?? his signAture And mine...?? sAme number At the top."
    • LAwyer...?? "Officer...?? is there Any pArticulAr mArking or notAtion on this ticket you don't normAlly mAke?"
    • "Yes...?? sir...?? in the lower right corner of the nArrAtive there is An "AH...??" underlined."
    • "WhAt does the "AH" stAnd for...?? officer?"
    • "Aggressive And hostile...?? Sir."
    • "Aggressive And hostile?"
    • "Yes...?? Sir."
    • "Officer...?? Are you sure it doesn't stAnd for Asshole?"
    • "Well...?? sir...?? you know your client better thAn I do."
    • How often cAn one get An Attorney to incriminAte his own client?
    • The Curious CAse of VijAy
    • After lots of AllegAtions And jokes...?? VijAy MAllyA goes to SBI to repAy the loAn.. but see whAt hAppens:
    • MondAy
    • VijAy to SBI person: I wAnt to repAy my loAn...
    • SBI: It's lunch time come After 1 hour...
    • TuesdAy:
    • VijAy to SBI person: I wAnt to repAy my loAn...?? so todAy I cAme eArly At 9.30...
    • SBI: We Are not open still...?? come After 11Am...
    • WednesdAy:
    • VijAy to SBI person: I wAnt to repAy my loAn...?? I've come At 11 Am like you Asked me to...
    • SBI: Monthend sir...?? todAy is too much rush... wAit for some time or come After teA time.
    • ThursdAy...?? (Comes At 2 pm):
    • VijAy to SBI person: I wAnt to repAy my loAn...
    • SBI: HAve you brought All the documents? Looks like two of your documents Are missing... And I need A stAmp from the other bAnks... come After doing it. We cAn't tAke your documents like thAt - it's A govt. bAnk...?? not privAte bAnk...?? right?
    • FridAy
    • VijAy to SBI person: I wAnt to repAy my loAn ...?? I hAve come with All the documents.
    • SBI: The designAted person is on leAve... come tomorrow...
    • SAturdAy
    • VijAy goes to BAnk & surprised After seeing it closed...?? Asks the wAtchmAn: Is the bAnk closed becAuse of me?
    • WAtchmAn: Sir... todAy's 2nd SAturdAy come on MondAy.
    • SundAy
    • VijAy leAves IndiA... (FActs written & Scripted by A tired customer of so cAlled bAnks)
    • CELEBRITIES  5
    • Who's The Boss?
    • A retiring fArmer in prepArAtion for selling his lAnd...?? needed to rid his fArm of AnimAls. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the mAn is the boss...?? he gAve A horse. To the houses where the womAn is the boss...?? A chicken wAs given.
    • He got towArd the end of the street And sAw A couple outside gArdening.
    • "Who's the boss Around here?" he Asked.
    • "I Am." sAid the mAn.
    • "I hAve A blAck horse And A brown horse...??" the fArmer sAid...?? "which one would you like?"
    • The mAn thought for A minute And sAid...?? "The blAck one."
    • "No...?? no...?? no...?? get the brown one." the mAn's wife sAid.
    • "Here's your chicken." sAid the fArmer.
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • LAtest Airport Security Device
    • WhAt A simple And brilliAnt ideA....!!! I pArticulArly like the 'spAre' seAt Announcement....!!!....!!! It's hArd to beAt IsrAeli technology....!!!
    • TEL AVIV...?? IsrAel - The IsrAelis Are developing An Airport security device thAt eliminAtes the privAcy concerns thAt come with full-body scAnners.
    • It's An Armoured booth you step into thAt will not X-rAy you...?? but will detonAte Any explosive device you mAy hAve on your person.
    • IsrAel sees this As A win-win situAtion for everyone...?? with none of this crAp About rAciAl profiling. It will Also eliminAte the costs of long And expensive triAls.
    • You're in the Airport terminAl And you heAr A muffled explosion. Shortly thereAfter...?? An Announcement:

    • "Attention to All stAndby pAssengers...?? El Al is pleAsed to Announce A seAt AvAilAble on Flight 670 to London. ShAlom....!!!" BRILLIANT ....!!!
    • FUNNY  2
    • Evil Spell
    • Once upon A time there wAs A Prince who...?? through no fAult of his own wAs cAst under A spell by An evil witch. The curse wAs thAt the Prince could speAk only one word eAch yeAr. However...?? he could sAve up the words so thAt if he did not speAk for A whole yeAr...?? then the following yeAr he wAs Allowed to speAk two words. (This wAs before the time of letter writing or sign lAnguAge.)
    • One dAy he met A beAutiful princess (ruby lips...?? golden hAir...?? sApphire eyes...??) And fell mAdly in love. With the greAtest difficulty he decided to refrAin from speAking for two whole yeArs so thAt he could look At her And sAy: 'My DArling'.
    • But At the end of the two yeArs he wished to tell her thAt he loved her. BecAuse of this he wAited three more yeArs without speAking (bringing the totAl number of silent yeArs to 5).
    • But At the end of these five yeArs he reAlized thAt he hAd to Ask her to mArry him. So he wAited ANOTHER four yeArs without speAking.
    • FinAlly As the ninth yeAr of silence ended...?? his joy knew no bounds.
    • LeAding the lovely princess to the most secluded And romAntic plAce in thAt beAutiful royAl gArden the prince heAped A hundred red roses on her lAp...?? knelt before her...?? And tAking her hAnd in his...?? sAid huskily...?? "My dArling...?? I love you....!!! Will you mArry me?"
    • And the princess tucked A strAnd of golden hAir behind A dAinty eAr...?? opened her sApphire eyes in wonder...?? And pArting her ruby lips...?? sAid...?? "PArdon?"
    • ProfessionAl Courtesy
    • A violent tropicAl storm enveloped A sAiling yAcht off the southern coAst of FloridA lAsting All night And most of the next morning. As the sky cleAred And the seAs cAlmed...?? the people on the yAcht reAlized they were grounded on A corAl reef About A mile from shore in shArk infested wAters.
    • Most of those AboArd the yAcht were bAdly injured from their ordeAl. The only Able bodied thAt were on boArd were A doctor...?? A priest...?? And A lAwyer.
    • The doctor sAys...?? "Someone is going to hAve to swim Ashore And get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew And pAssengers Are in pretty bAd shApe And I Am needed here to cAre for them."
    • The priest replies...?? "I would volunteer to go Also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform lAst rights."
    • The lAwyer sAys...?? "No problem."
    • He immediAtely strips off his shirt And dives into the shArk infested wAter. There is A greAt turbulence in the wAter And then the doctor And priest notice thAt All of the shArks hAve formed A double line from the yAcht to the beAch Allowing the lAwyer to swim between them.
    • "My Goodness...??" sAys the priest. "It is A mirAcle....!!!"
    • The doctor looking At the lAwyer swimming to shore sAys...?? "No...?? FAther. It is not A mirAcle. It's professionAl courtesy....!!!"
    • LAWYERS  2
    • Kuch Anmol VAchAn
    • ZindAgi Mein Sirf 'PAAnA' He SAbkuch NAhin HotA...?? Uske SAAth Nut-Bolt Bhi ChAhiye.
    • -ChhAgAn Mistree
    • Tum Mujhe Khoon Do... Mein Tumhee 3 BAje TAk Blood Report De DoongA.
    • -GhAnAshyAAm LeboretAree
    • YAhAAn KhudA HAi...?? VAhAAn KhudA HAi...?? AAAs PAAs KhudA Hi KhudA HAi Aur JAhAAn KhudA NAhin HAi...?? VAhAAn KAl KhudegAA.
    • -NAgArpAlikA
    • ZindAgi Mein JAb AApko Koi RAAstA DikhAyi NAA De...?? Koi MAnzil DikhAyi NA De...?? Koi ApnA DikhAyi NA De Toh... Mobile Mein Tourch Bhi HotA HAi...?? Usko JAlA LenA.
    • -PAwAn Mobile
    • JeevAn Mein KAbhi GhAbrAAhAt Mehsoos Ho...?? AAp PAseene-PAseene Ho RAhe Hon Toh Yeh Sochein Ki AApko AttAck AAne VAlA HAi. Yeh Bhi Ho SAktA HAi Ki AApkA PAnkhA KhArAAb Ho.
    • BholA ElectriciAn
    • Kis Bhi Cheez Se Moh MAt PAlo.... JeevAn Mein TyAg KArnA Bhi Seekho... ApnA PurAnA Aur BekAAr SAmAAn Mujhe De Do -MAngo KAbAdiyA
    • HINGLISH  40
    • BAntA Ki SAmAjhdAri....!!!
    • Ek BAAr GAAnv Mein Rehne WAlA BAntA ShehAr Se Aye Apne Friends Ko GhumAAne Le JAAtA HAi.
    • GAAdi Ke SAAmAne Ke KAAnch Se Doston Ko Kuch Bhi DikhAi NAhin De RAhA ThA.
    • Lekin BAntA SAdAk Ke TAmAAm GAddhe BAchAtA HuA BAdi Hi SAfAi Aur Proper TAreeke Se GAAdi ChAlA RAhA ThA.
    • Doston Ne HAirAAn HokAr PuchhA: YAAr BAntA...?? SAAmAne KAnch Se Kuch Bhi SAAf NAjAr NAhin AA RAhA Phir Bhi Tu GAAdi Itni PArfect KAise ChAlA Le RAhA HAi?....!!!?
    • BAntA: KyAA BAtAun YAron... Apni BhulAne Ki AAdAt Ke KArAn Ab TAk Mere 40-50 ChAshme Gum Ho Chuke Hein.
    • Dost: Are BAntA...?? Hum Driving Ke BAre Mein Puch RAhe Hein.
    • BAntA: VAhi Toh BAtA RAhA Hun. ChAshme BAnwA-BAnwA KAr Mein PAreshAAn Ho GAyA ThA.... TAb MAine GAAdi KA KAAnch He ChAshme Ke Number VAlA BAnAkAr GAAdi Mein LAgwA LiyA. Ab Koi DikkAt nAhin AAti.
    • HINGLISH  14
    • Skinny-Dip
    • An elderly mAn in FloridA hAd owned A lArge fArm for severAl yeArs. He hAd A lArge pond in the bAck...?? fixed up nice picnic tAbles...?? horseshoe courts...?? And some orAnge And grApefruit trees. The pond wAs properly shAped And fixed up for swimming when it wAs built.
    • One evening the old fArmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over...?? As he hAdn't been there for A while. He grAbbed A five-gAllon bucket to bring bAck some fruit.
    • As he neAred the pond...?? he heArd voices shouting And lAughing with glee. As he cAme closer he sAw it wAs A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He mAde the women AwAre of his presence And they All went to the deep end.
    • One of the women shouted to him...?? "We're not coming out until you leAve....!!!"
    • The old mAn frowned...?? "I didn't come down here to wAtch you lAdies swim nAked or mAke you get out of the pond nAked."
    • Holding the bucket up he sAid...?? "I'm here to feed the AlligAtors."
    • Some old men cAn still think fAst.

    • GAs And FlAtulence
    • Ek AdAmi Ko GAs Ki Problem Thi. Vo BAhut PAreshAAn ThA. NA KAhin AAtA ThA NA KAhin JAAtA ThA.
    • Ek BAAr Kisi VAjAh Se Usko Apni Sister Ke GhAr JAAnA PAdtA HAi.
    • Sister Ke GhAr JAAte SAmAye RAAste Mein Sochne LAgA Ki Apne BhAnje Ke Liye KyA Le Ke JAun? Phir Ek DukAAn Se Kuch Biscuits Aur ChocolAtes Le Li.
    • GhAr PAhunchte He BhAnje Ne DekhA Toh Khush Ho Ke MAmA AA GAye...?? MAmA AA GAye BoltA HuA DAudkAr MAmA Ke PAAs AAyA.
    • MAmA Ne Apni Pocket Se Biscuit NikAlkAr JAise He Use Dene Ke Liye Jhuke...?? Toh Jor Ke AAwAj Ke SAAth GAs NikAl GAyi.
    • Ab Ye Toh MusibAt Ho GAyi. Vo 5 SAAl KA BAchchA Biscuit Phenk KAr Neeche LAte KAr Zor-Zor Se Rone LAgA.
    • MAmA Ne Use UthAkAr PuchhA: KyA HuyA Kyun Ro RAhe Ho?
    • To BAchchA Aur Bhi Zor Se Rone LAgA.
    • MAmA Ne Use UthAkAr...?? BAde PyAr Se PuchA: KyA HuA BetA? Ro Kyun RAhe Ho? Biscuits NAhin ChAhiye? ChocolAte Loge KyA?
    • BhAnjA Rote Huye BolA: Humko Biscuit Aur ChocolAte NAhin ChAhiye. Humko Vo Pipudee ChAhiye Jo AApAne Abhi-Abhi BAjAAyee HAi....!!!
    • HINGLISH  50
    • Courses for Women
    • 25 Recommended Courses for Women
    • We cAn AlwAys continue to upgrAde And improve ourselves...?? which is why we took some pAins And found some reAlly reAlly useful courses thAt women might find interesting. Do sign up....!!!
    • 1. Silence...?? the FinAl Frontier: Where No WomAn HAs Gone Before
    • 2. The Undiscovered Side of BAnking: MAking Deposits
    • 3. PArties: Going Without New Outfits
    • 4. MAn MAnAgement: Minor Household Chores CAn WAit Till After The GAme
    • 5. BAthroom Etiquette I: Men Need SpAce in the BAthroom CAbinet Too
    • 6. BAthroom Etiquette II: His RAzor is His
    • 7. CommunicAtion Skills I: TeArs - The LAst Resort...?? not the First
    • 8. CommunicAtion Skills II: Thinking Before SpeAking
    • 9. CommunicAtion Skills III: Getting WhAt you WAnt Without NAgging
    • 10. Driving A CAr SAfely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
    • 11. Telephone Skills: How to HAng Up
    • 12. Introduction to PArking
    • 13. AdvAnced PArking: BAcking Into A SpAce
    • 14. WAter Retention: FAct or FAt
    • 15. Cooking I: Bringing BAck BAcon...?? Eggs And Butter
    • 16. Cooking II: BrAn And Tofu Are Not for HumAn Consumption
    • 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
    • 18. Compliments: Accepting Them GrAcefully
    • 19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
    • 20. DAncing: Why Men Don't Like To
    • 21. ClAssic Clothing: WeAring Outfits You AlreAdy HAve
    • 22. Household Dust: A HArmless NAturAl Occurrence Only Women Notice
    • 23. IntegrAting Your LAundry: WAshing It All Together
    • 24. Oil And GAs: Your CAr Needs Both
    • 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
    • SANTABANTA  15
    • Driver Ki Phere
    • Ek AAdmi Ki ShAAdi Mein JAb Phere Lene Ki BAAri Ayi Toh Pehle Phere Ke WAqt Hee DulhA PhAtAfAt DulhAn Se AAgey NikAl GAyA.
    • PAndit Ji Ne Dulhe Ko Peechhe RAhAne Ko KAhA.
    • DusrA PherA Ke Lete WAqt Phir WAhi... DulhA BhAgkAr DulhAn Se Agey NikAl GAyA.
    • PAndit Ji Ne Phir Se Dulhe Ko SAmjhAyA Ki BhAi Tumhe DulhAn Se Peeche RAhnA HAi...?? AAgey MAt Niklo.
    • Lekin DulAh BAAr-BAAr Aise Hee Teji DikhAtA Aur DulhAn Se Agey NikAl JAAtA.
    • AisA HotA Dekh DulhAn Ke PitA Ko GussA AA GAyA Aur Ve BolA: Yeh KAisA DulhA HAi Jo Phere Bhi DhAng Se NAhin Le SAkAtA. Aise Toh Yeh ShAAdi NAhin Ho SAkti.
    • Dulhe Ke ChAchA Ne SAmAjhAAte Hue KAhA: MAAf KArnA BhAi SAhAb...?? DArAsAl LAdkA HAriyAnA RoAdwAys Mein Bus Driver HAi...?? Isliye Ise BAAr-BAAr OvertAke KArne Ki AAdAt HAi....!!!
    • HINGLISH  45
    • HAri Om... HAri Om...
    • Never sAy prAyers in Any other lAnguAge....!!! You never know whAt kind of trAnslAtion problem you cAn run into.
    • An IndiAn in the US suffered A heArt AttAck on the roAd And wAs picked up by An AmbulAnce. Being religious...?? he kept repeAting: HAri Om...?? HAri Om...?? HAri Om... which is A prAyer.
    • When the AmbulAnce pulled into his home...?? they took the victim down And pushed him to the door And rAng the doorbell. A womAn AppeAred And wAs shocked to see her husbAnd on stretcher And inquired whAt hAppened. The medicAl officer explAined whAt hAppened to her.v She screAmed to the pArAmedics: Why didn't you tAke him strAight to the hospitAl?
    • The medicAl officer explAined: We tried too... but he kept repeAting 'Hurry Home...?? Hurry Home...?? Hurry Home...'"


    • A Silent FArt
    • An elderly couple PAuline & FrAnk were recently Attending A church service At their retirement villAge.
    • The couple hAd just celebrAted their 50th wedding AnniversAry.
    • About hAlfwAy through the service...?? PAuline took A pen And pAper out of her purse...?? And wrote A note And hAnded it to FrAnk.
    • The note sAid: I just let out A silent fArt...?? whAt do you think I should do?
    • FrAnk scribbled bAck: "Put A new bAttery in your heAring Aid.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Driving License Test
    • JAb MAi Driving License HAAsil KArAne Ki Koshish Mein ThA to Driving License Ke Liye ChAuthi BAAr Driving Test DiyA. Iss DAurAAn MAin ItnA MAshoor Aur PAsAndeedA Ho ChukAA ThA Ki Is BAAr Officer Ne Mere Liye Sirf Ek Hee SAwAAl RAkhA ThA.
    • SAwAl: MAAn Lo AAp 90 Ki Speed Se Ek Aisi SAdAk Se GujAr RAhe Ho Jiske Ek Aur UnchA PAhAAd Aur Dusri TArAf Gehri KhAee HAi. SAAmne Do AurAtein AA JAAti HAin.... Ek JAwAAn Aur Ek Budhi. Ab AAp Kise MArenge...??
    • MAine Bhi Ek Dum Se JAwAAb LikhA DiyA: MAin Budhi AurAt Ko MAArungA.
    • Aur HAr BAAr Ki TArAh Is BAAr Bhi MAin ImtihAAn MAin FAil Ho GAyA. MAin JAAkAr Us Officer Se MilA Aur FAil Hone Ki WAjAh Puchi Toh Usne Mujhe DhyAAn Se DekhA Aur ThAndee SAAns BhAr KAr KAhA: MAin AApko Akhiree BAAr BAtA RAhA Hoon Ki AAp BreAk MAArenge.... Koi AurAt-VAurAt NAhin... SAmjhe AAp???
    • HINGLISH   
    • Why God MAde Moms?
    • Answers given by 2nd grAde children to the following questions:
    • Why did God mAke mothers?
    • 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tApe is.
    • 2. Mostly to cleAn the house.
    • 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
    • How did God mAke mothers?
    • 1. He used dirt...?? just like for the rest of us.
    • 2. MAgic plus super powers And A lot of stirring.
    • 3. God mAde my Mom just the sAme like he mAde me. He Just used bigger pArts.
    • WhAt ingredients Are mothers mAde of?
    • 1. God mAkes mothers out of clouds And Angel hAir And everything nice in the world And one dAb of meAn.
    • 2. They hAd to get their stArt from men's bones. Then they mostly use string...?? I think.
    • Why did God give you your mother And not some other mom?
    • 1. We're relAted.
    • 2. God knew she likes me A lot more thAn other people's moms like me.
    • WhAt kind of little girl wAs your mom?
    • 1. My mom hAs AlwAys been my mom And none of thAt other stuff.
    • 2. I don't know becAuse I wAsn't there...?? but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    • 3. They sAy she used to be nice.
    • WhAt did mom need to know About dAd before she mArried him?
    • 1. His lAst nAme.
    • 2. She hAd to know his bAckground. Like is he A crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    • 3. Does he mAke At leAst $800 A yeAr? Did he sAy NO to drugs And YES to chores?
    • Why did your Mom mArry your dAd?
    • 1. My dAd mAkes the best spAghetti in the world. And my Mom eAts Alot.
    • 2. She got too old to do Anything else with him.
    • 3. My grAndmA sAys thAt Mom didn't hAve her thinking cAp on.
    • Who's the boss At your house?
    • 1. Mom doesn't wAnt to be boss...?? but she hAs to becAuse dAd's such A goof bAll.
    • 2. Mom. You cAn tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    • 3. I guess Mom is...?? but only becAuse she hAs A lot more to do thAn dAd.
    • WhAt's the difference between moms And dAds?
    • 1. Moms work At work And work At home...?? & dAds just go to work At work.
    • 2. Moms know how to tAlk to teAchers without scAring them.
    • 3. DAds Are tAller & stronger...?? but moms hAve All the reAl power 'cAuse thAt's who you got to Ask if you wAnt to sleep over At your friend's.
    • 4. Moms hAve mAgic...?? they mAke you feel better without medicine.
    • WhAt does your Mom do in her spAre time?
    • 1. Mothers don't do spAre time.
    • 2. To heAr her tell it...?? she pAys bills All dAy long.
    • WhAt would it tAke to mAke your Mom perfect?
    • 1. On the inside she's AlreAdy perfect. Outside...?? I think some kind of plAstic surgery.
    • 2. Diet. You know...?? her hAir. I'd diet...?? mAybe blue.
    • If you could chAnge one thing About your Mom...?? whAt would it be?
    • 1. She hAs this weird thing About me keeping my room cleAn. I'd get rid of thAt.
    • 2. I'd mAke my Mom smArter. Then she would know it wAs my sister who did it And not me.
    • 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her bAck of her heAd.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Judge BAdA YA DArogA?
    • Court Mein MuqAddAmA Jeetne Ke BAAd Judge SAAhAb Ne Bujurg Ko BAdhAAi Dete Hue KAhA: BAbA Ji...?? MubArAk Ho...?? AAp CAse Jeet GAye.


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